Andrew Ritchie Stuff


The New Intern Can't Do Anything Right So There's No Way He's the Serial Murderer Targeting our Office

07 Mar 2017

Yes it is suspicious that since we hired Mark, the new intern, our office has suffered a bizarre string of employee deaths. Yes, the deaths do all have the appearance of homicide. And yes, it was very creepy and even more suspicious when a blood stained knife fell out of Mark's NPR tote on Friday. And again I agree with you that Mark's general manner could be described as disturbing or sinister. But have you worked with Mark? He can't do ANYTHING right! He's the dumbest intern we've ever had.

There's no way Mark could pull off five successive on-site homicides. Just the other day I asked him to make eight copies of the agenda for our board meeting. Simple task right? But instead of giving me what I asked for he gave me eight copies of what appeared to be a photo of the number '666' carved in human flesh dripping with blood. How am I supposed to get through a board meeting with that as an agenda?

And then there was last Thursday, which I believe was right after Rachel's strangling in the break room and right before we discovered Thomas stabbed to death in the yoga den, I got to the office late around 10:30am. On the bright side Mark was here, so he gets a tiny bit of credit for that, but want to know what he was doing? Flipping through blank post-it notes! What kind of idiot does that? What a useless thing to do with your time! And you know what else? The post-its were also covered in blood! That kid leaves blood everywhere! What the hell? If you get a paper cut flipping post-it notes don't just sit there bleeding all over the rest of the pack. And how the hell does that kid have paper cuts all over his body? What is he doing?

The worst thing about the blood and the cuts is we can't even fire him without getting into a sticky workers comp situation. What I wouldn't give to just axe him and end his reign of incompetence.

Have I told you about the day we found Lawrence impaled on the coat rack? Mark hadn't done a single thing I asked all morning! He didn't email our remote sales staff about our noon conference call or book a room for the 11am HR meeting. Wait I take one thing back, Mark did arrange catered lunch for our developers, but what the hell was in those sliders? If I didn't know better I would have said they were made with human insides.

If you're going to blame an intern for this string of unexplained slayings, and I'm not blaming any of our interns. But why not Kathryn? And again I don't think Kathryn is a serial murderer, she's delightful, comes off as 100% good hearted. But she's on time every single day, she gets things right, I can hand off real work to her, she took over the monthly sales reports and they're better than ever. Kathryn is smart as a whip, she has the talent to do whatever she wants in this world. She wouldn't hurt a fly but if Kathryn wanted to murder five employees here, she'd have it done by noon on her first day. Mark on the other hand, there's no way that kid can spell M-U-R-D-E-R let alone succeed at taking a human life.

And it can't be Eric the other intern, he's super annoying. All you have to do is meet the guy and you know not to get cornered alone with him. Hell he wouldn't even have to kill me, just the thought of spending time with Eric makes me wanna off myself.

So there's no way Mark is the murderer. Mark doesn't even know his own email address! The kid can't even operate a stapler let alone trap and drown another human being in the office kegerator. Mark doesn't have anywhere near the kind of vile genius it takes to rig a ping pong table to crush Jamie Bernstein alive.

Anyway, now that I've got you feeling better about this I need you to head over to storage room six, you've got a one-on-one with Mark to train him to archive procedure reports.